


Issues With the Script

by nelsy (eulyhne_syios)



Series: Captive Prince: Behind-the-scenes [1]
Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Alternative Universe- Crack, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I wrote this when I had a fever, M/M, Rated For Language Mostly, i wrote this instead of studying for bio, im going to hell for this i swear, literally just crack and nothing else
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-09 11:37:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7800349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eulyhne_syios/pseuds/nelsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Damen and Laurent as well as the other characters are Hollywood actors who are wrapping up the filming of the movie Captive Prince. Behind-the-scenes footage of actors up to their usual or not so usual mischief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introductions and the Blowjob Scene

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I wrote this months ago when I had a really bad fever so if it doesn't make sense, that's probably why. It was seriously entertaining writing this tho and clearly more entertaining than studying for exams...oh well, I probably wouldn't have gotten very far studying with a fever induced migraine so there's that too.
> 
> Basically this was my way of coping with the fact that Captive Prince was over and I never wanted it to end and I was probably still in a state of numbness after reading the last book and realizing it was actually over. Anyways I sent this to my friend, who was also a huge fan of Captive Prince and she thought it was hilarious so I thought I would share it with you. 
> 
> Here's a slightly more detailed summary of the story: Behind the scenes footage of the first novel in the series. Credits for the original stories and characters goes to the author C.S Pacat. The events in these scenes are from my imagination and rest assured, do not act as foreshadowing for the rest of the series. This was entirely created for humor/entertainment purposes.
> 
> *I refer to them as Laurent’s actor and Damen’s actor but it gets annoying to type that all the time so I just write it as their names later on. Keep in mind that these are just my idea of their actors’ possible personalities and not their actual personalities from the book

**_Introduction_ **

_Before we begin let's give the actors a little background_

_Laurent’s actor has a bad habit of adopting the personalities of characters he plays, for months and even sometimes years, much to the annoyance of his real life boyfriend Damen’s actor, which proved quite bizarre after he wrapped up a role where he played the stunt double of Troy Bolton, from High School Musical, the main love interest and talented basketball player of the movie (Laurent did all the scenes that involved holding the basketball but not actually doing anything with it; same kind of idea with his female love interest)._

_Damen’s actor vividly remembers his twentieth birthday where Laurent showed up at his house with fifteen other unfamiliar men wearing basketball jerseys and pretended their living room was a gymnasium and managed to play into overtime at 37 minutes until Damen angrily chased them out with a spatula and assorted other kitchen utensils._

_The following morning, Damen wanted to file a lawsuit for damaged property as well as breaking and entering, but was apparently “moved to tears” when Laurent serenaded him with hit singles such as “Baby” by Justin Bieber, “Halo” by Beyonce and ending it with the unexpected, yet powerfully uplifting song “Hips Don't Lie” by Shakira. As for his birthday present, Laurent generously “renovated” their apartment by replacing Damen’s prized original Renaissance oil paintings with 2 dozen 6 feet by 9 feet posters of himself (Laurent) holding a basketball in various positions._

_Damen did not appreciate Laurent’s apparent gestures of “affection” and said these “posters” made him feel threatened by simulating the environment of a totalitarian government and violated his privacy (his exact words during an exclusive interview by Men’s Health Magazine state “I don't know about you but I find it kind of hard to take a shit when there is a 6 foot tall poster of a man holding a basketball over his crotch, saying “Hip Hop Is My Passion” and staring unblinkingly at my dick.”)_

_Due to these frequent “occurrences”, Laurent has created to a foolproof plan to keep himself from adopting these personalities or as Damen calls them “T.K.O.S.I.W.N.P.U.W.I.Y.W.S.F.H” which directly translates to “The kind of shit I would not put up with if you weren't so fucking hot...”. This plan involves Laurent adopting the personality of the first role he played in film back in 1982 which was a horny French boy that other than his incessant need to have sex regularly, has an otherwise normal personality that Damen describes as “a fucking whole lot easier to put up with considering what I had to endure for the past 2 years. Laurent is a very versatile actor who can play men of a wide range of ages and personalities and while it is good for our financial stability, it has not been so good for any other stabilities of mine especially with regards to my emotional and mental health. To this day, I have a distinct fear of plastic pink flamingoes and I don't even fucking remember why. I assume that it was so traumatizing my brain is trying to repress the memories, you know, that weird-ass reverse psychology shit they teach you in high school.”_

_Long story short, Laurent states that he loves Damen very much and Damen just does not know how to properly appreciate his unique declarations of love but it is a thing that comes with time and all good things take time. With an exception to a few things, obviously._

_Without further ado, here are some behind the scenes footage of popular scenes from the novel. It will be available on DVD at some point in the distant future. Probably after aliens have taken over the world or something._

 

* * *

Laurent stood with his lips pursed in a thin, hard line, his cool blue gaze dark with troubling emotions. The director always told him to voice his opinions about scenes, particularly difficult ones like this. He wasn't sure if the director really meant it or not because every single time he had a “suggestion” it would usually result in him just getting yelled at and slapped. But today the director seemed to notice Laurent's intense displeasure and decided to politely ask him about it.

“S-so, you mean to tell me that all I literally do in this scene is sit beside Damen and watch that dipshit virgin Ancel suck my boyfriend's dick while I give him helpful tips of _encouragement_ …? Now I have experience in professor or tutoring roles and I have done some decent portrayals but seriously? _Cocksuckers 101_ isn't exactly a course I am terribly interested in instructing if it doesn't involve _hands-on activities_ with demonstrations by moi…”

The director looked at him with exasperation. Every single fucking time Laurent was never happy with the sexual scenes (pun intended) and wanted to add his own little twist to add “spice” to the mix.

“...What do you suggest, Laurent?” he was almost afraid to ask.

“Oh, I don't know. Maybe I already mentioned it and you’re getting hard of hearing. Or maybe you aren't a decent enough person to even consider my relatively reasonable request…”

“What happened to that sex-obsessed French boy portrayal you were working so hard on doing during non-filming?”

“That? I reserve my honest efforts towards the goal in question, and in this case, Damen of course. He's the only one who reaps any real benefits from this “portrayal” anyway,”

“...Your idea of “ benefits” concerns me, if you want to know the truth,”

“Truth is only valued until lies become more useful…”

This heated debate was suddenly interrupted by a familiar cry of irritation that Laurent would recognize from anywhere. He and the director hurried to the filming scene where they were met by a very distressed Damen and a seemingly bashfully smiling Ancel.

“Alright ladies, what's the crisis here?” The director drawled staring at his watch.

They were past schedule for almost 2 hours because Laurent's apparent “needs” didn't allow Damen to leave their trailer until late noon. The director was starting to wonder if the horny French boy act was just something Laurent was very passionate about or if it was actually who he really was.

“I, uh, I kind of already got... hard…” Damen said in a small voice.

The director blew a raspberry and shook his head in disbelief.

“Just _come_ then,”

“I-I can't…”

“...why not?”

Damen looked like that kid who couldn't do Powerpoints and was just asked to talk about the state of America’s economy. He briefly thought about quitting his acting career and going into hiding for a decade or so. But he wouldn't be able to hide. Not with Laurent following him like that. The moment their eyes had met for the first time, Laurent's gaze automatically installed a permanent GPS into Damen's butt and this sort of tracking device didn't have an off switch. Or a battery outage for that matter.

“Uh, um, well sir, Ancel thought it would be “therapeutic” and “stimulating” to _place a lollipop stick in my dick hole_ and now my dick is so fucking hard I can't pull it out…”

“So what do you want to do-

“-See, I _told_ you I was _right_ -I _knew_ from day one that Ancel was a good for nothing, inexperienced dipshit and now look at what he did! Voici, _**voici**_ tout le monde! He has officially become _un tuer de penis_ : a _dick killer,_ a renowned _dick killer_ : _**he kills dicks-**_

“I guess I’m sorr-

“-Ok, first of all, _bitch_ , you literally _**stabbed**_ my boyfriend’s dick. Sorry doesn't even _touch_ that. Ne pas touchez, _salope laide._ And I wouldn't even care if it was anybody else's dick but it is _**Damen's dick,** bitch il est **mon petit cheri,**_ for God’s sake, **_Damen's dick…!_** How is _Damen_ supposed to _survive_ without his _dick_ , how am **_I_** supposed to survive without his _dick_ …?!! I cannot even _begin_ to imagine how Damen would put up with a guy like this _on a regular basis._ Damen is a-

“-Laurent,”

“-man with _substance_ who would never tolerate someone-

“-Laurent,”

“-to be so utterly _disrespectful_ and _inconsiderate_ to his di-

“- _Laurent_ ,”

“-in fact yesterday he started crying even before I put in that new-

“- _Laurent!”_

Damen's face was now beet red and also a few shades of purple from what Laurent almost said. He had to tell Laurent at least more than a number of times throughout the day to keep their private bedroom matters private. His fear of vibrators was something he preferred to keep under the sheets. It wasn't all that unreasonable, anyway. He read a very informative column from Wikipedia that said overuse of vibrators led to a condition where you would shit yourself every time you slipped and fell and landed on your ass because the backdoor became too loose. Wikipedia was regularly checked and edited every few years. It was very, very reliable.

Laurent saw Damen's pained face and his anger quickly died down, not unlike his phone battery. He needed to get a new one. Dying after his triple melon combo in Fruit Ninja was getting really, really annoying especially after he had unlocked Bananarama after slicing seven bananas with one stroke. Speaking of bananas, someone's banana was currently in a desperate need for stroking and Laurent was more than happy to be of service.

Damen cleared his throat.

“Laurent. I understand we have a bit of a sticky situation right now but if you use your, uh, big and brilliant-

“-Dick

“- _brain_ , I am sure we can figure something out that does not involve you making physical contact with my dick because frankly, I would rather not have my dick exploding and resulting in gender reassignment surgery. And actually, I have an idea.”

Laurent’s cool blue gaze warmed up a few degrees and he looked at Damen expectantly, taking his hands in his.

“Mais oui, mon cheri! Let's hear it, vite, _vite_!”

Damen took a deep breath and revealed his master plan.

“All you gotta do, is make my dick unhard. Then the lolipop stick will fall out.”

“Mmm, c’est bon, je crois. Now how will I go about doing that?” Laurent asked politely.

Damen was silent for several minutes.

“That's uh… that's actually as far as I got...sorry…”

The director scoffed and threw his hands up (as well as the script) in the air in frustration.

“Well, Damen you _fucking_ genius- here I thought you actually had a-

“-I don't know, maybe it's kinda hard to think _when your dick is about as hard as a fucking-_

“-Damen, mon petit chouchou, c’est d’accord, c’est d’accord. I got a plan and I think it's going to work. You get hard because you’re sexually aroused. Tout que je te dois faire is to get you not aroused. Ensuite, we got ourselves a nice, big, juicy, flaccid-

“ _Can you get on with it.”_ Damen pleaded through gritted teeth.

“Alright, alright. In a hurry aren't we? Mais les bonne choses prennent le temps, with a few obvious exceptions-

“ Which are-

“-Shut the fuck up, Ancel, that's irrelevant,” Laurent snapped.

Ancel made a hairy eyeball at him and Laurent launched a delightfully large spit bomb on his left facial cheek.

“ _Alors_ , I'm going to tell you a magnificent story, _une histoire d’horreur. Il y a un long temps, quand le monde was ruled by kings and queens._ You're standing in the slave baths. Your vision is rather blurry because of the hot steam curling around you and the sweet, heady smell of incense and violets. The naked back of a man with soft golden hair faces you, his body fresh, young and beautifully muscled. He approaches you, his lovely face gazing at you with desire as he delicately bites his full lips and places his long, slender arms seductively around your shoulders and brings his lips dangerously close to the base of your throat-

“Laurent, this isn't helping-

“ I'm getting to it, don't _rush_ me...Your body begs for release as he shamelessly teases you, licking and-

“Laurent, my dick isn't getting any softer-

“ Until you can't take it anymore and grasp hard onto his burning erect-

“ _Laurent_ , are you fucking kidding me-

“-But then you freeze. Something is terribly wrong. You look down and in your hands… is the long, slender neck...of a pink...plastic... _flamingo_ -

What followed was a violent episode of Damen flinging himself like a 1950’s mental patient experiencing a relapse of anipeleptic shock and screaming as he ran all the way to the nearest gas station to buy himself some cheap porn and try to cleanse himself of Laurent's tall tales of tantalizing terror. He made such an unbelievable racket he didn't even hear the sound of the lollipop stick hitting the ground with a soft plunk. The shock of the customers at the gas station upon seeing an almost entirely naked man in tears with his dick hanging out like a giraffe’s neck did not even cross his mind. His brain had been petrified and he just sort of stood there like a block of cheese.

Ancel seemed bored now and went off to fuck some more shit up.

The director looked at Laurent with amazement for the first time in several weeks. Laurent was unaffected by the sudden appraisal.

“So. What's his deal with flamingos?”

Laurent just looked at him.

“You sure you wanna know?”

“On second thought, maybe that's a story for another day,”

“I thought so,”

Laurent turned and made a wave of goodbye.

“I'm gonna head over to Taco Bell for a bit. Damen's always complaining about how I hog the porta-potty in the afternoon whenever we have it for lunch so to minimize issues I'll eat it now and deal with it tomorrow morning. Damen never goes in the morning for some reason. He doesn't want to talk about it,”

And with that, the director was left wondering what other scarring things Laurent had done to him in the past.

 

 


	2. The Damen Flashback Scene Where He Kills Auguste

The Damen Flashback Scene Where He Kills Auguste

Auguste’s actor, who happened to be a producer, was in a room alone with the director, discussing his issues with the script. If he was seeing things right, a lot of actors seemed to be having an issue with the script. First, Laurent and his dissatisfaction with the sexy stuff, Ancel’s issue with it being too “boring” for him and Damen? Well, whenever Laurent had issues it usually involved Damen so as long as Laurent was unhappy, Damen was somehow made to feel unhappy as well. Which led to obvious problems. If Laurent was like a volcano, Damen would probably be the volcanic ash that scattered everywhere and made everyone blind so the volcano would have a guaranteed victory of at least a few thousand kills. And the thousands killed represented the limited number of brain cells and patience left in the director’s head after the initial onslaught.

“Let me get this straight. You're paying me a few million an hour, which is great, I assure you, but for appearing for a total of about three times in the entire book and not having a single line in the script…? The only acting capacity I require in this role is to make a constipated face every single time Damen stabs me in my left manboob and tumble gracefully to my eminent death in slow motion because every single time Damen has a flashback that’s all he seems to damn remember,”

The director looked at him with a pained expression and didn't know how to express his condolences, because he didn't see a damn problem.

“Well...yeah? I mean you’re making a ton of money for doing jackshit except looking great while dying and you have an _problem_ with that? I'm sorry, _what exactly is the issue here_ …?”

“Well, you know, I was thinking maybe you could make my death a little more... _heroic_ , like I could get in a couple of good hits but then gradually Damen overwhelms me in a _war of attrition_ -

“Ok, first of all, kid, that's not how a war of attrition works. Were you high when you took _Canadian History_ back in Grade 10 or are you really- ok never mind. And plus, your death is _supposed_ to be quick and fast. That’s what _makes_ it so heartbreaking for Laurent when he sees you die. You die without a _hint_ of dignity and honor,”

Auguste was silent for a couple minutes. But strangely enough, he didn't seem the least bit upset, in fact, he seemed to have been waiting for the director to finish so he could launch into his next brilliant idea.

“Which is exactly what brings me to -our new and improved financial plan!”

The director was dumbfounded.

“... _what?”_

“Look here. I've made a lovely pie chart to illustrate this. See this big, fat slice over here? That's how much you’re currently paying me. Now look at all of these tiny little slivers all around, that’s housing funds, lunch food during the set, janitorial duties, music and sound system funds and look at what we have here: _descriptive vocabulary._ I'm not sure if you've noticed it but every single time Laurent looks at Damen, his nail beds, the Regent, or a random seagull flying in the sky, it is always described as his _cool blue gaze._ I mean yeah sure it's nice for the first couple of times but come on. Maybe you should tell-

“-First off, I didn't even write the book. You're gonna have to talk to the writer about that. Second, get on with your _point_ please, there are other people waiting in line like your favorite (and only brother) _Laurent_ and I almost always have to cancel filming every single damn time he has some issue because it's just so damn _complicated_ to explain to him that this is a book with an _actual plot_ and not just an excuse to get paid for fucking his damn boyfriend all the time…”

“That's exactly my point. See we’re putting money into the wrong places, paying me for dying, paying Laurent for fucking his boyfriend throughout the whole book-

“ See the thing is, he _doesn't_. Why do you think it was so hard to convince him to play this role, he doesn't get to _fuck_ Damen and that's why he so goddamn pissed all the time and I had to spend so much for Laurent's cotton candy binge-eating problem every single time he remembers he doesn't get to fuck him, it's like he has _amnesia_ or something and can't seem to remember-

The director sighed loudly and gave him a look of distaste.

“Good Lord, did you even _read_ the damn book…?”

“Well, I mean, I sorta skimmed through it, you know, gave my parts a good read and just kinda left the rest in God’s hands-

“You don't even _believe_ in God, Auguste.”

“- _Anyways_ , as I was saying, instead of filming me three different times for those scenes you can just film me once and recycle that scene, you know, Windows Movie Maker, and we can add in some cool transitions and stuff. Then we can put the money into the more important places like the areas I aforementioned.”

Auguste looked a bit out of breath but continued enthusiastically.

“And it gets better...In order to convince the audience we aren't being cheap I can use Photoshop to make my constipated dying face look a little bit different in every scene, like you know, maybe stretch the mouth a little bit there, crinkle the eyes a bit, add in a blackened tooth, maybe a few acne scars and stretch marks to “connect more with the audience” etc. And the best part is, since I'm actually contributing _more_ to the production, that provides reasonable disclosure for increasing my income!”

Auguste looked at the director with his fiery blue gaze, hot with anticipation.

“So what you're saying is, you want me to pay you _less_...so we can put more money in more important areas...so that... I can pay you... _more?”_

“Well, if you put it _that_ way-

“Just ask me to double your salary, you money grubbing little shitbucket. Alright, our meeting here is done,”

Auguste gave the director a quick kiss on the cheek and skipped happily out of the room. The director was a reasonable man when given the opportunity.

The door didn't even click shut before another person strode in and the director prayed to Jesus that this meeting would not go into the wee hours of the next morning when he recognized the unmistakable bright, yellow head, the cool blue gaze.

Laurent reclined gracefully on the plastic chair across from him and looked calm, complacent. But negotiating was one of the things Laurent did best and the director was not ready to sacrifice his Thursday evening watching football with his buddies just to win a little speech battle. It was insignificant among his other past victories won against him anyway.

Laurent had papers in his hands and from the back he could see the outline of what looked like a diagram.

“Ok, Laurent if this is about increasing your pay, Auguste already discussed it with me and it is utterly irritating how you basically imitate him like a stinking little copycat-

“-Oh, but it isn't. This is a second degree curve that displays the relationship between the amount of time-

“-Jesus Christ, Laurent, I hereby permit you to take the rest of the week off to go fuck Damen or whatever the fuck you guys do in your spare time be it playing checkers or Twister or Satan knows what...just please, _please_ control your cotton candy eating habits, the _local carnival_ is experiencing a _serious_ deficit and I have to pay an organization that isn't even _involved_ in this film production because of your goddamn fucking _sweettooth_ …”

“It is out of my bounds to control these _primitive_ desires but being the reasonable person that I am, I’ll see what I can do...It was nice talking to you,” Laurent said, flashing a charismatic smile.

He left with just as much grace as his arrival, not disturbing a single pinned storyboard in sight.

A quiet knock sounded on the door. The director just grunted this time and Nicaise happily strode in holding a-

“-And what the fuck do _you_ want?”

Except he wasn't holding a second degree curve. Or a pie chart.

It was just a pie.

He was literally just holding a fucking pie.

“Manners, manners Mr. Director! I just returned from the farmer’s market and got a delicious blueberry pie! Want some?”

The director looked at the beautifully baked pastry and thought that his day was finally starting to improve for the better. He gladly took a generous slice from the fruity dessert and wolfed it down in one gulp.

At first he didn't notice it. Then a strange, heavy sensation began to take over his limbs and he dropped to the floor unconscious.

Nicaise gently placed the leftover pie on the desk and took a seat in the director’s comfortable wheely chair. He grabbed the microphone and turned on the speakers that spanned throughout the whole film production unit.

The speakers crackled and then his sqeaky, pre-puberty Justin Bieber voice rang through the entire film set.

_Alright, listen up everybody. The time has come for us to choose a new leader and as I have appointed myself that prestigious position, I would now like to make some changes around here…_

_First off, I now announce that Taco Night Is Every Night. We are currently handling some funding issues in regards to food and tacos are cheap and taste good. You don't think so? Fine. The next decent diner isn't for another 26 kilometers in this damn place and bussing fees have increased by a $1.25 since last month so yeah...suit yourself. Damen, I'm looking at you. You have been boycotting tacos for almost a month now and the only thing getting any lighter in your pants is your wallet. Money doesn't grow on trees, dipshit._

_Second, I was thinking of renovating a few castles into theme parks. Who needs these old lumps of brick anyway? It's not making anybody any richer and I would certainly like to make me some more cash. I don't get paid enough these days for the shit I do._

_Thirdly, I would like to make a law that creates a compromise with Akielon and Veretian fashion. Veretian stuff has way too many laces and Akielon fashion has way too many nothing. How ‘bout we just put these two together and have everyone wear nothing but laces? Wait, fuck. I think I screwed up. Ok never mind, everyone just wear whatever the fuck you want, change the monarchy government into a democracy and have the setting changed to modern New York City where Damen and Laurent are CIA agents who save the world and shit and have immense sexual tension because, damn everybody loves that stuff these days and money money money…_

The sun set on the hills as Nicaise’s small, but passionately determined voice echoed into the mountains. It was his first step into making big changes, to show the world his vision, to prove to the universe that even a tiny man like himself could inspire the awakening of a new era. He could do it; all he needed to do was believe in himself.

On the other side of the world, a baby farted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I've noticed the director sounds a lot like Caputo from Orange is the New Black...Its probably because I'd been marathoning the episodes at the time. Seriously that show is like my favourite thing ever, you should watch it. Season four killed me, I can't even
> 
> Anyways I know everybody is seriously OOC but again, it's the personalities of their actors and not them lol.


	3. An extra scene...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I couldn't think of any more scenes so this is just an extra behind the scenes thingy that's just super fluffy because I felt like I needed to cleanse myself with fluffiness after the other two chapters...

_ Exclusive! Rare footage not available on DVD! Random Behind the scenes thing going on as Nicaise declares totalitarian rule _

In a distant trailer, Laurent sat beside Damen at their desk looking over blueprints. They were going to construct a hot air balloon together. Laurent acting all horny in front of Damen and most of the other actors was just a ruse to hide the fact that he was actually a big nerd and that he and Damen actually never even kissed yet. It was all rumors. And Photoshop. That damn Auguste really knew his way with cut and paste and lasso tool. He even fooled the director into thinking Laurent and Damen were going at it like rabbits day in and day out. But it would be helpful in the long run.

They had started small. First they built a birdhouse. Then after a drug-induced squirrel raided it and ate the baby birds (Laurent had a good idea of who supplied the drugs) they decided to build a treehouse instead to allow for more space and decrease the chances of animal anarchy. Then they built a little cabin by the lake and went there during the summer to use it for supplying their fishing equipment as well as Laurent's secret stash of cotton candy. Damen never understood Laurent's obsession with cotton candy but Laurent would just smile and say part of being in love was accepting things you didn't understand because everyone was different and that was okay.

Damen asked him where he learned such cheesy lines and Laurent said his most frequent roles involved rom-coms which always involved some girl, rainy walks down the sidewalk and nasty ex-boyfriends. He said he would get in trouble for flirting with the ex-boyfriends and having them follow him anywhere. Laurent reassured him he only did it for fun and to get some extra cotton candy. Damen laughed and said his most frequent roles on the other hand involved something along the lines of blood, gore, war and Roman soldiers. He was officially Gerard Butler’s stunt double. They laughed over those things, the dumb shit people said about them in their faces or behind their backs, the typical things, the weird things.

Damen said sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and just sit in the darkness and wonder what the hell he was doing with his life. It had been years since his father died but it didn't make the weight of his loss any lighter. Sometimes he dreamt about them, together, going fishing, going to auditions. The happiest memories were the saddest because it reminded him of what he no longer had.

Laurent said he had those kinds of dreams too. It was a touchy subject and he didn't enjoy elaborating on it. Instead, he would entertain Damen, with his exciting and often hilarious adventures, jumping from rooftop to rooftop to escape his pursuers, stumbling upon ancient ruins in unknown forests, catching frogs by the pond and getting a swollen eyelid after rubbing his face from grabbing a tiny toad instead. Toads had serious toxic glands on their skin, Laurent told him. They were the bumpy, sort of ugly ones while frogs were the shiny, cute ones. Except for poison dart frogs. They were toxic too.

Damen said the only frogs he ever saw growing up were the big plastic ones at the playground’s splash pad and Laurent said he really hadn't seen enough of the world yet but it was okay because they were going to see it together. Damen asked him to stop playing his character from the stupid rom-coms and Laurent laughed, saying every role he had ever acted eventually became a part of him, so Damen would have to put up with it. He chuckled and said it was a good thing Laurent was cute.

Laurent got sort of quiet and didn't say anything for a while.

“Alright, judging from average wind pressure, we should need about this much fabric and a synthetic mix of 83% cotton and 17% polyester for the material. The basket will take a while to construct but I guess I can ask Jord to pull a few favors and get a second hand one from the ones his aunt makes. I mean, unless you really want us to make the basket by ourselves which is fine too,”

Damen looked at him with his warm brown eyes. Laurent sort of forgot the world around him and was distracted for a few moments.

“Well, looking at costs and now that Nicaise is running film production, I guess it would be the better idea to get a second hand basket. But I like this, you know, us being together and making things together. It comforts me and makes me feel like I'm home again. Being forced to spend such a long time in an unfamiliar place sure is tough…”

Damen was suddenly hit by a wave of exhaustion and just sort of slumped onto the desk. Laurent sighed and wondered if he was experiencing mild narcolepsy from overwork. He rolled the blueprints away and looked out of the trailer park window.

It was nothing to be proud of, their view outlooked the dead, yellow grass and a few dry saplings dotted the landscape here and there. Not more than a dozen meters off were their white food vender tents, displaying a less than satisfactory selection of hot dogs, burgers and cereal. They were short on cash as always because they always spent so much on sets, the beautiful Veretian tents, the slave baths, the heavily furnished Veretian bedrooms that they couldn't even afford to sleep in overnight. It was like they constantly walked on a fence between fantasy and reality and sometimes it was fun to lose yourself in the sets and smell the puffy silk pillows and jump around on the mattresses and pretend you were a little kid in IKEA or something. Damen didn't make fun of him for acting immature sometimes. He liked that about him.

But wealth didn't hold too much value in Laurent's blue eyes that now rested on the dust particles that dotted Damen's dark eyelashes. He could hear the gentle rhythm of his breathing, felt the softness of his hair when he picked a stray thread of cotton from his sleeping head. Because Damen was asleep, their heartbeats were not in unison; Damen's falling a few paces behind. But if Laurent closed his eyes it was as if they were walking together, step by step. He didn't really understand it but it filled him with a good, bright feeling, like his heart felt a little less lonelier than before. An unfamiliar sensation came over his face and he realized he was smiling.

Sure, their trailer was crowded with junk they brought from their childhoods and more often than not smelled like whatever had been eaten last night which from now on would be almost nothing but tacos. Yeah, the bed was stiff and creaked at night while the raccoons skittered and the crickets chirped outside. Sure, the leaky tap pitter pattered at night and sounded like tiny footsteps.

But this was their home for now, their own little space. And sometimes that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this wraps up the first part of a three part series that is probably going to take me years to finish because i am currently experiencing writer's block. Also, I'm having a hard time remembering some scenes I want to write about because I haven't read the books in a while. Hopefully it was a fun read because I liked writing this a lot more than I care to admit :P 
> 
> I'm going to write more serious fics in the future because I'm used to writing those and have a better feel for those than crack fics. Idk after finishing the series I shipped Lazar and Pallas which is good cause it's canon so I'll be able to find fics online for it and I also strangely shipped Jord and Isander, which is not canon at all, so it will literally be just me with the fics and fanarts...also I think it would be cool if Jord and Nikandros had a bromance cuz they're like the best bros of Damen and Laurent. 
> 
> Anyways I'm rambling and I need to get bio hw done or I will regret life lol.


	4. The Inn Scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this takes place right after chapter 2. I don't know if there's an inn scene at the end of the first book or somewhere in the second book, but like I had this chapter (and the next one) for almost a month and I'm sorta too lazy to make it the first chapter of the second part of this thing so I'm putting it here lol

The Inn Scene

After the weed wore off and the director recovered from his unpleasant but fortunately not fatal dose of an E. coli infested pie slice, Nicaise was apprehended from his position of immense power and sentenced back to an actor’s salary and quarters. The money itself was alright. It was the trailer he couldn't stand. He believed he was meant for bigger, greater things.

On the opposite side of the set, Damen was beginning to comfortably doze off into some much needed sleep when he heard a weird, but familiar rustling beneath the sheets. It got even weirder when he felt the cloth around his crotch shift slightly as a warm, and sort of painful yet incredibly pleasurable sensation came over that area.

He squirmed a bit at first but soon it started to feel too good and Damen grumbled in guilt as he reluctantly spread his legs further while shifting his hips to get a better angle until the hot, wet feeling took in his entire length and then moved to kiss and suck the skin of his inner thighs. Even the sound of what was happening was making him feel like he was going to go over the edge-

_**Thud**_.

Of the bed, apparently. Wow, he actually fell off the bed. Well two thirds of his body anyway. His legs from the knees down was still on the mattress, partially covered in the sheet.

He moved his limbs an inch and winced. _Ah, fuck._ Damen knew his physique made him look all tough and shit but he actually bruised really easily. He rubbed the left side of his torso and pressed into the skin, wincing. Great. He was going to have to call the makeup crew again. They were going to start charging him outside of his acting contract at this point. Well, maybe he could just tell the director that Laurent was sort of crazy in bed. It matched his personality. At least the one he showed to everyone on set anyway.

He had been so caught up inspecting his body for more occupational hazards that he almost didn't notice the pleasurable feeling returning until his lower abdomen was tickled by the movement of soft hair. Damen looked between his legs and almost jumped two feet in the air.

The culprit was still connected to his body. By the dick.

“Mworning, pwincess.” Laurent chirped, cock in mouth.

“Laurent, _what the fuck-_

Before the blonde could come up with a witty comeback, the door swung open and the director walked in. Damen squeezed his eyes as he prepared to get his ass kicked.

But the director just sighed in mild irritation.

“...why...”

“I'm _practicing_ my lines…there's a term for that...you know... _method acting_ …?” Laurent chimed innocently, dick falling out of his mouth with a loud wet pop.

“Very funny. Well, whatever. Exercise at least an ounce of caution Laurent, if you get crabs or warts on your mouth even makeup can't hide that shit. I'm gonna seriously have to replace you if you end up looking like some _fucking cave goblin-_

“-But I’ll _still_ be the most fuckable cave goblin in all of Paris France…” He smoothly shot back.

Damen looked back and forth between them.

“Ok, you guys have some seriously fucked up kinks, I'm just gonna _go_ -

“No, no Damen I'm not done yet-

“Laurent, I already came twice; I think that's enough-

“Hey, how-

“Twice from my dream and none from you-

“Ah, come on, Damen, don't get mad at me…” Laurent pouted. Then his eyes brightened. “-what were you dreaming about?”

Damen stood up and slumped onto the bed, covering himself entirely in the sheets.

“I'm not telling you,” He mumbled, moody.

A knock on the door sounded and a happy looking redhead popped in.

Damen’s skin shot up with goosebumps and he stumbled backwards into the corner wall in a desperate crabwalk. He covered himself in six layers of blankets and had built a massive pillow fort almost four feet tall by the time Ancel walked over to the edge of the bed. He was trembling violently.

“N-N-No…! D-don't come any closer!”

“Or what? You’ll shoot bullets from your _dick..._? Damen, please. We both know you don't have the balls for that. I mean, unless you're part cyborg but that's-

“- _Stay away_ from _**my dick** , Ancel_-

Damen’s eyes darted over his surroundings and he grabbed a large gold cross that was conveniently lying a tiny bit over his pillow fort. He held it with a trembling arm at Ancel’s face that was about five feet away, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Oh, _come on_ , Damen. Do you even know the _purpose_ of that-

“-It's supposed to _protect_ me from you-

Ancel snorts, getting on the bed and begins to crawl towards Damen’s little fortress of solitude.

“Damen, in case you forgot, I'm not _Satan_ , I'm just very, very gay…That cross isn't going to do shit against my _homosexual_ tendencies-

“Ancel-

“-And _before_ you press the harassment charges, keep in mind that we never finished filming the blowjob scene. You kept running away the moment I as much as _breathed_ on your dick…”

“Well _**what the fuck**_ was I supposed to do- wait for you to _shove skittles up my ass_ while you found something _new_ to stick in _**my dick**_ \- like, I don't know, _**green-tea flavoured pocky**_ -

“-Ok, while I appreciate your creativity, based on my memory of the circumference of your dick hole, I'm not entirely sure that idea would be feasible, but you know, theory and reality are two different things and I _do_ have well-placed faith in my dick stuffing potential-

The director’s eyes suddenly lit up.

“That's a good point,”

“Shoving pocky _**up my dick**_ …?!!”

The director almost slapped himself unconscious from his facepalm.

“... _what_...?! _No_ … I meant that we still need to film the blowjob scene. We're supposed to be already filming the second book but someone decided to be a _fucking wimp_ who can't even-

“- _Well has **anyone** ever shoved a lollipop stick up **your dick hole-**_

“- _Can everyone just **shut the fuck up**_ …?!?!?!!”

Laurent glared at all of them with exasperated eyes. Jeez, all he wanted was to have a good time (and he was honestly feeling so attacked right now) with a nice little blowjob practice so Damen wouldn't run away screaming when it got to the point when they actually had to shoot the scene so they wouldn't have another Ancelesque incident again and what did he get in return? A screaming Damen, plus a screaming Regen- director, and last but not least the ever sexually deviant Ancel just had to fucking tap dance his way back into Damen's life and cause him to relive his dick trauma. Perfect. Fucking perfect.

“Now from what I can understand, Damen is literally scared shitless by Ancel so there is no way in hell that this dick sucking business is gonna happen between you two,” Laurent observed, gesturing between both of them with a delicate finger.

“Comrades, our resolve here is simple. I shall cosplay as Ancel and suck Damen's dick. Problem solved.”

Laurent bowed gallantly and waited for response.

The director looked complacent and gave a single nod of approval. He was literally _this_ close to losing his shit and he still had to coach his little league at 6 today and the curveballs he had to deal with _there_ were more than enough for him to handle.

Damen nodded slowly. He would never admit it to Laurent, but the morning blowjob was actually almost decent. He wondered if it was his first time. Maybe it was beginner’s luck. Like poker.

Ancel's snorted and crossed his arms.

“Okay the kind of benefits you get from having your _uncle_ as the director is completely unfair…”

“Oh, _boo_ , you whore…” Laurent spat.

“And what am I supposed to do while I'm waiting for you guys to finish this-

“- _Here's_ an idea. How about you skip along to your buddy Christian Grey from _Fifty Shades_ , and exchange business cards whilst bonding over _butt plugs_ and cock rings? I'm sure he would just _love_ to hear your _professional_ opinion concerning the rising costs of purchasing dildos online…”

Ancel was about to object and then he actually thought about it and decided it wasn't a half bad idea. He did a mock salute and disappeared into the halls.

“Alright, my friends,” Laurent declared, rubbing his hands together. “-let's get started!”


	5. The Blow Job Scene: Take Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like, ironically enough over the course of one week of bible camp I came up with like fifteen other chapter ideas (I was on the top bunk so I could hide my stuff for the most part but like it would've probably been pretty mortifying if someone found my sketchbook with r rated plot ideas lol), so this story is going to be a lot longer than anticipated. Whether or not that's a good thing is something I still haven't determined lol. 
> 
> One thing tho, I don't think I'll be able to post too many chapters this year cuz I kinda wanna ace (or just not fail) bio so there will probably be like one or two chapters after this one and the other thirteen are going to have to wait for next summer lol

The Blowjob Scene: Take Two

It was a lot harder than anticipated. The act itself, and Damen's dick, unfortunately. It was not going according to the book.

“Damen, you're ejaculating too fast…” The director complained. “-you're supposed to gradually acquire a boner and then shoot, like, I don't know, two little toy watergun squirts of _penis colada_. Laurent over here looks like you dumped a _fucking bowl_ of clam chowder down his face…”

“Now that you mentioned it, can I get a napkin please?” Laurent asked politely.

The director flung him a beach towel.

“Well, sir, if you want me to come slower you need me to get very not hard for the amount of time you need to get the shot…”

“I don't know Damen, what are you _not into_ that doesn't involve _Ancel_ …?” The director asked impatiently.

Nicaise strolled by and decided to join in on the commotion.

“Well, well, what do we have here? Damen just got his first-

Laurent grabbed his arm.

“Hey, Nicaise, remember that time you made out with a hotdog?”

He rolled his eyes and scoffed.

“Okay, that was like, _one time_ , and I was going through a phase-? Like, that was back in 2009 when I had a thing for Pete Wentz from _Fall Out Boy_ \- I made a _shrine_ for that man out of Snickers wrappers and used condoms and I even built a protective barrier around it out of wooden popsicle sticks with collaged magazine cutouts of that legend and named it _Pete Fence_ to keep my little sister from destroying it- that shit was a _work of art_ , my grade six teacher even agreed to display it at the open house as long as I painted over the condoms to make them look like party balloons-

Nicaise stopped to notice that everyone was staring at him. Even the janitors had stopped mopping just to stare at him with their mouths gaping open in amazement. He cleared his throat proudly and continued.

“Anyways, I don't do _hotdogs_ anymore, I'm getting too old for that. I'm into _tacos_ now,” He bragged, like it was a massive improvement.

“Well, Nicaise, my buddy, my pal, _mon ami_ , I'm going to need you to bring out your inner 2009 Pete Wentz trash and make out with a hotdog, s’il vous plait,”

Nicaise looked at him like he was crazy.

“...why?”

“Well, _Damen_ here is having a little dilemma over here, _un petit probleme_ \- his _oohlala_ is coming too _vite-vite_ and the director can't shoot _la vidéo_ -

“-And _pourquoi_ should I give a shit?” He demanded snootily.

“Because if you don't _donner nous votre assistance,_ the director isn't going to let us have the _lunch break,_ which means for you, _**rien de tacos**_ , bitch.”

“You're lying,” Nicaise protested.

“Try me,”

Nicaise looked at the director who looked dead serious at taking away his lunch break, heck, he looked just about ready to take away his _big break_ if he was ever gonna get one. He sighed and looked around for ideas to make Damen's “oohlala” pre _prend_   _le temps_ for the grande finale and his eyes rested on a tall, graceful figure with pretty bronze hair, about ten meters away. The figure turned to glance at them shyly and then continued to nibble softly on his stale hotdog.

Nicaise ran over and dragged Erasmus into the scene.

“Hi, guys,” Erasmus said timidly, trying to hide behind his bronze locks.

He was sort of awkward but not awkward as in not good-looking, he was stunning, really, it was just that he looked like he didn't know how to carry himself around with all this stunning beauty so it sort of oozed at the edges like the cheese in a grilled cheese sandwich. Who knows. Maybe that added to his beauty. Laurent could think of a certain UK boyband that definitely agreed with him.

Nicaise looked at him excitedly and whispered into his ear. Erasmus widened his eyes and nodded.

“Actually, my mom still keeps it in our basement- we spent a really long time making it so she didn't want to throw it away-

“-Man, if only my mom was like _your_ mom I'd probably still have _Pete Fence_ and-

Damen started to get very scared and confused, and was practically pissing himself on the stone bench in the makeshift palace garden.

“ _What_ are you guys planning to _do_ to me…?!!” He cried in horror.

“Relax, Erasmus and I made a life size sculpture of Pete Wentz out of wine bottle caps, milk bags and cigarette butts back in grade nine as our art project to represent the detrimental effects of _consumerism_ and we’ll just bring over _Pete “Commericial” Expense_ to keep you company while Laurent does his job.”

A few hours later (Erasmus’s cellphone had bad reception), a friendly looking lady driving a golden Dodge Caravan pulled in and carried out Pete from the back of the car.

Now Damen only saw about two _Fall Out Boy_ music videos in his lifetime and that was back when Kastor had his emo-phase (of which he was actually still going through) and wanted to show Damen what “real music” was. But that plastic and metal contraption looked absolutely _nothing_ like the famed bassist/back-up vocalist of the punk rock group. The thing didn't even look _human_. The closest thing Damen could think of that it looked like was a grotesquely elongated and emancipated Squidward from _Spongbob SquarePants._ The only reason he could tell it actually was an artistic representation of Pete Wentz was from the wrinkled coloured 240 by 360 pixel paper printout of his face pasted on the front of the head.

What resulted was an intensely suffering, almost teary-eyed Damen being blowed by Laurent cosplaying Ancel from the front whilst his bare back was delicately stroked by a scratchy, squeaky arm belonging to _Peteward Wenticles_. He would've rather done the whipping scene again with an actual whip and not a CGI one. He didn't get paid enough for this shit.

Anyways, he came at the right time and the shoot was done. Laurent was rather surprised that Damen didn't run away immediately after the shoot was finished, he sort of sadly shuffled away into his tented retreat like all the energy had been drained out of him.

Laurent decided he had to go and cheer up his mopey boyfriend.

He lifted the flap of the Veretian tent and saw Damen facing his back to him, hugging a few fancy pillows and munching on his secret stash of spicy nachos. Laurent went over and sat down beside him. Damen scooted his bum farther away. Laurent sighed.

“You know, you can't always be like this. Part of being an actor means that you have to step out of your comfort zone sometimes…”

Damen refused to look at him, just staring at the ground. He kicked a stray candy wrapper under the carpet.

“I _know_ what you're saying and it makes sense. But I feel like sometimes the director- can I call him your uncle?”

“Yeah, go ahead,”

“Sometimes I feel like your _uncle_ just thinks I'm this dumb loser jock that is supposed to have no feelings because I'm too dumb to _have_ feelings and conscious thoughts- and it's not just _him_ , sometimes I feel like the entire cast and crew, except for you, thinks that I'm just a big _joke_ that they can take advantage of and poke fun at whenever they get the chance,”

Laurent looked at him with genuine concern.

“Damen, you can't spend every minute of your life caring about what everyone else thinks. You judge yourself based on your character but people judge you based on your actions because it's the only thing they can see. Look, everyone thinks I'm this horny French guy because that's how I present myself. But I know that's not who I am, or maybe it's just one small part of who I am-

“-Then why do you choose to present yourself that way if it's not who you really are?”

Laurent smiled softly.

“Because I don't have to show my true self to the people who don't deserve it. There are always going to be people who make fun of you or don't accept you for who you are and I guess there are two main choices you can make: you can either show them who you are and prepare to take in the good and the bad or you can create another version of yourself and have them judge that while the truest version of yourself is saved up for better, kinder people.”

“And you decided to go by the second one,”

Laurent sighed.

“Yes. Yes I did.”

“How come? I mean, I'm not saying that's stupid or anything but why did you do that?”

Laurent glanced to the side and sighed again.

“I'm a human being too, you know. I don't know whether it's because I'm scared, deep down, or if I just don't trust people all that much because the world is full of bullshitters and douchebags, but I guess I just think it's easier that way, not letting them see the truth. And I'm not saying you should follow my example or anything- I don't think I'm anywhere _near_ being a model citizen honestly, but you know, all I'm saying is...Jeez, I don't know, Damen. Fuck the haters, amiright?”

Laurent shook his head and quickly added:

“-Okay, not literally, I mean, I get that part of being an actor means that sometimes you gotta have sex or pretend to have sex with people other than your boyfriend but, you know, I still get really jealous sometimes and if you literally _fuck_ your haters just to, you know, _fuck the haters,_ it's just my opinion but I feel like it might actually be _counterproductive_ because then technically you're letting them _win_ because you're giving them that kind of _attention_ -

Damen put a hand over Laurent's mouth and looked at him gratefully.

Then he started laughing, genuinely laughing, warm and bright, something he hadn't done for weeks.

He stopped to wipe some tears from his eyes.

“I don't know how many _Disney_ movies you tried to cram into your motivational speech-

“-I counted about eleven, maybe fifteen if you include the ones that had a partnership with _Pixar_

“And it sounded really cliché, no offence, but then again, our whole conversation was sort of headed down that road anyway- and you know, I think what's important is that you really meant what you said. Honesty is hard to come by these days. I'm glad I found it in you,”

Laurent grinned and wrapped an arm around him, resting his head against the space between Damen’s neck and shoulder.

“And you know something else?” Damen asked. “-I think Erasmus is hiding something. I don't think anyone at that age is _that_ good of a person.”

Laurent suddenly lifted his cheek off Damen's shoulder and shook his head.

“Oh, no, you're wrong actually. Erasmus is pretty much the only guy in this entire set whose personality actually follows the book, almost exactly. Other than the fact that, you know, he's not actually a slave so he doesn't have to obey orders all day.”

“How do you know he's a genuinely good person? I mean you don't seem to know him that well,”

“I don't have to. People who are truly kind radiate this kind of warmth, most of the time without themselves knowing. I don't really know how to describe it properly. It's something you have to experience for yourself.”

Damen shook his head.

“I don't know. I still don't really buy it…”

“Damen,” Laurent sighed, rolling his eyes. “-you can't just let all the Ancels in the world keep you from being able to see the Erasmuses…”

“Yeah, well, for every Erasmus on the street there's like, I don't know, _nineteen_ other Ancels waiting in a dark alley ready to beat your ass with a dildo and shove green-tea flavoured pocky up your dick hole…”

Laurent snorted and chuckled.

“Just avoid the dark alleys, then.”

“What if I have to go there? What if I gotta take a leak and all the bathrooms are locked and I have no other choice?”

“Get a dildo and fight him,” Laurent joked. “-or find Erasmus and get him to fight Ancel for you,”

“No.” Damen frowned. “-I'm not a coward...or an asshole.”

“No. No you're not. So just wait for Ancel to leave the dark alley and then take a leak,”

“What if he never leaves?” Damen asked in a tiny voice.

Laurent scoffed in disbelief.

“For _chrissakes_ , Damen, do you seriously think Ancel spends his _entire_ life waiting in dark alleys to _beat people in the ass with dildos…?!!”_

“He sure acts like it.”

“Damen, seriously, sometimes you just have to let it go. He stuck a lollipop stick in your dick hole _one time,_ are you gonna bitch and moan about it forever? No. So you guys got off on a bad start. Hey, so did we, at least in the books. We didn't turn out so bad in the end, did we?”

“So you're saying I should give him another chance?”

“Don't you think you should? Didn't you say you weren't an asshole?”

Damen grasped his forehead. His own forehead, not Laurent's. That would've been awkward and kind of odd looking.

“Why are you acting like my mom all of a sudden?”

_Because I am your mom._ Laurent stopped himself from saying. Technically, that wasn't true, not biologically anyway, but he always found himself taking on some weird paternal-like role in their relationship every time Damen got all upset and sulky over something. He didn't mind being Damen's moral support from time to time, it was normal for partners to help each other out, but it made him wonder what would happen when one day _he_ was the one in Damen's position. Would Damen even bother to-

“You're wondering if I'll support you if one day _you're_ in my position right now.”

“- _How_ did you

“You have a bad habit of saying things out loud when you're really deep in thought…”

“I-

“-What the heck, Laurent. Of course I would support you. I can't believe you would say that-

Their moment was suddenly interrupted by two heads peeking into the tent.

“Lunch break, guys!” Nicaise shouted happily. “-come on, there's a special at Taco Bell today, we gotta hurry-

“Er, Nicaise, maybe we're bothering them…” Erasmus protested quietly. “-you guys don't have to come if you don't want to…”

Nicaise peered about the tent and saw Laurent cuddled comfortably beside Damen.

“Well, I see what you mean, Erasmus. Laurent already has _his_ taco, that's for sure. Man, that is one big, happy taco. Maybe they're gonna have _lunch_ here, amiright?” Nicaise giggled, waggling his eyebrows.

“Nicaise…!” Erasmus blushed, shaking his head apologetically at the two in the tent. “-don't pay attention to what he's saying, Nicaise has a habit of saying crap without thinking…”

“Hey! And I thought we were friends!”

“We are. Which is why I'm telling you the truth.”

Nicaise rolled his eyes and directed his attention back to the other two.

“So. Coming or not?”

Laurent looked over at Damen. He sighed and shrugged.

“Ok. We’re gonna come,” Laurent decided.

“That's what _she_ said…!” A familiar voice piped up.

Laurent snorted.

“Back already?”

“What, I like tacos,” Ancel insisted.

Laurent looked over at Damen again. But he was already walking towards the exit of the tent. Laurent smiled and went after him.

As the five of them headed over to Taco Bell, Ancel nudged Damen on the shoulder.

“I found a way to make pocky fit in a dick hole,”

Damen snorted.

“And how would you do that?”

“You-

“-For _fucks sake_ , Ancel just _shut the fuck up_ before I shove pocky up _**your dick hole**_ …!!!”

The three of them froze, turning to see a furious looking Erasmus, face red with rage. Upon seeing everyone staring at him in shock, his face quickly changed to red with embarrassment. He covered his mouth with his hands.

“Erasmus has spontaneous bouts of anger when he's hungry. He calls it being “hangry”. He’ll be back to normal after he eats,” Nicaise explained.

Ancel walked a little closer to Damen and eyed Erasmus worriedly.

Damen grinned.

“Did you expect that?”

Ancel shuddered.

“Yeah, about as much as I'd expect _Mother Teresa_ to wait for you in a dark alley and beat your ass with a dildo…”

“And shove green-tea flavoured pocky up your dick hole?”

“Yeah,” Ancel said, laughing. “-that too,”

“Come on.” Damen said. “-they're getting ahead of us,”

The two of them jogged up to catch up with the others.

 

* * *

The director was having a great day. There had been minimal arguments and the kids were out at Taco Bell so he finally had some time off for himself. He leaned back in his chair and breathed in the smell of peace and quiet.

Suddenly Nikandros burst into the room in full body armour, sweat pouring down his forehead, panting anxiously.

“Director, we're in great danger.”

“...what is it...?” He was almost scared to ask.

Nikandros took a deep breath and looked at him with real fear in his eyes.

“I'm afraid...we are... out...of... _toilet paper…_ ”

The director raised his eyebrows. Then he waved his hand in dismissal.

“That's ok. We’ll get some more tomorrow.”

Nikandros nodded and then turned to look at him again.

“Hey, director?”

“Yeah?” He said, without looking up from his papers.

“Where’d everybody else go?”

“They went. To Taco Bell,”

“Taco Bell?”

“Yeah, Taco Bell.” The director repeated dismissively.

Then he stopped and looked up and their eyes met, the exact same thought passing through their heads.

“They went to Taco Bell... _ **Holy shit- they went to Taco Bell!!!!!**_ We gotta get toilet paper _right now_ …!!!! _Why_ didn't you tell me _sooner_ , **_Nikandros…?!!??!”_**

The two of them hopped into their fastest golf cart and puttered away as fast as they could to the nearest supermarket which was, conveniently, in the next town.

By the time they got back, the sun had gone down and reduced the porta-potties to dark, indiscernible lumps but they could tell from the smell (and the angry muffled cries of pain and despair) that it was already too late.

“Holy shit.” The director muttered sadly.

“Mmm-hmm,” Nikandros agreed. “-holy _shit_ , indeed.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the idea of Erasmus's actor being kinda shy and polite, sort of like his character in the book. I also like the idea of him being friends with Nicaise's actor lol, idk why, I think they would have an interesting relationship :3 I feel like Laurent's actor would give good motivational speeches idk lol
> 
> I also really love Nikandros and I have a fun chapter idea with him in it for the third part of this series lol. I'm probably not going to do things in order and post a chapter in part three and then some in part one, but considering the structure of the story I guess it doesn't really matter haha :P This is really fun to write so there are going to be tons of chapters eventually lol


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